I'd like to thank all the contributors of the newsgroup alt.fan.tolkien for the following clues.  Don Q

I'd like ya ta meet ma wife and sister...

You might be a Redneck Hobbit if...

• Your maps and rhune-documents have Miller stains on them.
• The "precious" that was really in your pocket was a confederate flag cigarette lighter.
• Your mithril is rusted from your arm pit sweat.
• Your traveling songs that you and your companions sing are about dragons, elves and monster truck rallies.
• Your dwarf friends have tobacco stains in their beards.
• You were kicked out of Tom Bombadil's house for commenting on Goldberry's "rack."
• You lost the Ring in in your wifes back hair.
• You drive around in your pick-up truck and beat up Stoors on the weekends.
• The Nazgul refuse to pursue you because they don't like to associate with "those kinds of people."
• You broke Gandalf's staff from hitting your wife in the face with it.
• You saw a preview of the WWF Wrestling Championship in Galadriel's mirror.
• You distracted Attercop and his pals by throwing them some SPAM.
• You knocked the Barrow Wight out by hurling your dentures at his face.
• You ask the singing Elves at Rivendell if they know any Merle Haggard.
• You put out cigarette butts in your foot hair.
• The garden gnome on your front lawn is really a statue of your father.
• You swear to Gandalf that you will only use the Ring for beer runs.
• You just had to paint flames on the sides of Bill Ferny's pony. You told Strider, "It might cheer up the poor creature."
• At the feast at Elrond's house you make a toast, "The Shire will rise again!"
• You use the mirror of Galadriel as a spittoon.
• You don't understand why everyone dislikes Gollum so.
• When the old wizard pulls up with a wagon full of packages, you think they're marked "G" for "grits."
• Your mailbox is shot through with so many holes that the Shire Post hobbit just wedges your letters between the crossbow bolts.
• You've used the pin on your elven brooch as a toothpick.
• You've ever hogtied a person with elven rope.
• As a practical joke, your buddy keeps calling you "goblinslayer" when you are captured by Uruks.
• You've ever used lembas as bait.
• Your wife chained your pony to a post to keep you from going drinking at the Green Dragon, but she forgot about your old pet deer.
• You've had to ask a wizard to help you open your back door because you got home at 2am and locked yourself out.
• You get along really, really well with Beornings.
• You weren't afraid to take a barrel down the River Running because you and your cousins used to go white water rafting on the Brandywine.
• There's a wain up on cinder blocks in front of your family smial.
• Your idea of an "ornamental waistcoat" is any T-shirt without any holes in the armpits.
• You can describe the difference between fox and thrush... by taste.
• You've ever read comic books by the light of an Elvish blade.
• You've ever had to pawn one of Bilbo's birthday presents to bail one of your relatives out of the Lockholes.
• Your bar tab at the Prancing Pony goes back three or more generations.
• At the Hall of Fire in Rivendell, your song is the only one that Elves can clearly distinguish from that of other mortals.
• An Ent tried to stomp you even AFTER he heard you talking.  (my favorite)
• You tried to build a moonshine still using some ruined equipment at Isengard.
• Saruman calls the House of Eorl "a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor amid the dogs"... and you can't figure out why that's an insult.
• Some Big Folk who've met you sent King Elessar a thank-you note for banning them from the Shire.
• You mixed a flagon of ent-draught and Galadriel's entire box of tree food under the Party Tree and now it's half the size of Telperion.
• When Wormtongue almost beaned you with the Palantir, you tried to charge the pitcher's mound.
• After being rescued from Mount Doom, you pulled a few of Gwaihir's tail feathers as souvenirs for your family.
• You're the wiseguy who sneaked out in the dead of night to affix the bumpersticker that reads "I Brake for Balrogs" on the back of Gandalf's cart.
• You get tears in your eyes when you hear a Nazgûl scream because its voice reminds you of Mom.
• Farmer Maggot's dogs refuse to track you because your smell makes them sick.
• You call Boromir "Bo".
• The trailer park where you live is situated in the Dead Marshes.
• Orcs are offended by your language.
• Saruman refused to use you as breeding stock.
• You dig Shelob because you are a legs man.
• You like the the Orcs' homebrew.
• You've ever used one of the banners of the Rohirrim as a cookin' spit.
• You took a little rock of Mount Doom with you as a souvenir.
• You used insect repellent on Shelob.
• You keep a piece of ork-hide in your living room to make Sting glow.
• You put on the Ring occasionally just to annoy Gandalf.
• You take a swim in the pool around Orthanc.
• You playingly swept an axe at Fangorn and made it out just in time.
• You offer plant food to Fangorn on a regular basis and giggle hysterically every time.
• You offer the Ring to Galadriel again and this time you have your camera ready.
• As a practical joke, you slip the Ring around Sam's finger when he's sleeping
• You have a bumper sticker that reads:
  • "I give away my Barrow-blade when Nazgul give their Morgul-blades"
  • "Morgul-blades don't kill hobbits; Nazgul do."
  • "My wizard can beat up your wizard."
  • "Warning: waggon protected by pit bull with Black Breath."
• You have a mithril belt buckle as big as the hand of one of the Big Folk.
• Your ancestors' greatest claim to fame is that they adapted Ol' Toby into chaw.
• Your granpappy's eleventy-first birthday party was attended by seven or more generations of hobbitry.
• You've ever shouted "As Eru is mah witness, ah'll nevah go hungry agin!!"
• You've got a bow rack on the back of your haywain.
• You don't trust hifalutin' types like Ghân-buri-ghân with all their fancy airs.
• You distrust Bill Ferny because of his "fancy accent".
• You get voted Shirriff because everybody in the township is related to you.
• You find orcdraughs rather bland tasting.
• You got lost in Fangorn while searching for Treebeard's still
• You think The Mouth of Sauron would make a fine announcer for the TV rasslin shows.